Have you ever questioned your own sexual attractiveness after being rejected by your partner? You are not alone. In fact, married couples are often surprised to find that they have a mismatched libido, which is most noticeable after their honeymoon phase. Here is a story of how one newly married couple bravely journeyed together and recalibrated their libidos.
Desire and doubt
Mrs ML (early 30s) and Mr ML (early 40s), were a happy, loving newly-wedded couple, with plans to start a family. However, their sexual intimacy faded within six months, leaving Mrs ML feeling confused, frustrated, insecure and questioning her own sexual attractiveness.
This is a common challenge for couples, and something intimacy and sexual wellness therapists help with a lot. The key to reigniting the passion is to understand the root cause.
Normally, this begins with understanding the complexities of the situation, which is to explore the following three factors:
- Biological factors: Medical history, lifestyle habits and nutrition are considered to rule out any underlying physical issues.
- Psychological factors: A therapist will look for signs of depression, anxiety, stress or past traumas that might be impacting intimacy. Emotional and cognitive patterns and expression are also evaluated.
- Social factors: Relationship dynamics, family and friend support structures and cultural influences are examined, alongside improving the couple's communication and conflict resolution skills.
The initial findings can help identify several areas for improvement, particularly in how the couple communicates and expresses their emotions, needs and expectations. This does not always lead to being able to pinpoint the exact cause of the decreased sexual intimacy and more in-depth therapy can be required.
Am I slutty?
In an individual therapy with Mrs ML, a deep sense of self-doubt surfaced. She recounted instances where her husband rejected her requests for physical intimacy, for him to “Please touch me”.
Tears welled up in Mrs ML's eyes as she whispered, “Well… I guess… I’m no longer attractive to him.” Her softly spoken words sounded like thunder across the room, signifying the damage done to her self-esteem. Mrs ML then asked, “Am I slutty?”.
Her therapist gently yet firmly replied to her that “The opposite of death is desire…”, as Tennessee Williams put it. Mrs ML instantly gained an epiphany and smiled.
The higher desire partner often feels negative about this misalignment in libido, fearing they may be perceived as lusty, slutty, promiscuous or even as a nymphomaniac. Such self-labelling can lead to profound feelings of guilt and shame.
Mrs ML spent significant time, energy and resources addressing these negative thought patterns through sexual psychoeducation, emotional expression and positive reinforcement. Mindfulness exercises and techniques were also introduced to manage anxiety and stress.
I'm not ready
Mr ML's individual sessions revealed a different story. When asked about Mrs ML's potential feelings regarding his intimacy rejections, he struggled to articulate them. It became clear they were grappling with a mismatched libido.
However, after ruling out biological and social factors, the true reason emerged. Mr ML finally said “I’m not ready”. Mr ML, who was approaching his mid-40s, harboured anxieties about fatherhood and job security. These concerns, left unexpressed, led him to withdraw emotionally and physically, sometimes resorting to sleeping separately.
Regular sexual intimacy with your partner is important, as a marriage is made of two essential components: companionship and eroticism. As this is the only legitimate relationship in our lives that permits such an exchange of physical touch, it is critical to value the unique and vital role of sexual intimacy in a marriage.
Rekindle the flame
Communication proved to be the missing link. Together they practised active listening, expressing appreciation, using "I" statements and exploring "What if...?" scenarios to address their anxieties, which is about optimistic interpretation based on a trusted relationship.
Sexual psychoeducation played a crucial role too. They were shown how to differentiate between intimacy and sexuality, emphasising that intimacy encompasses emotional closeness and trust, while sexuality involves physical aspects. This broadened their understanding of physical intimacy.
Their therapist shared Cyndi Darnell's insight: "We haven’t been taught as a culture about sex without a goal". This perspective helped the couple view physical intimacy in a broader context, reducing the pressure and stress related to family planning. Thus, for the rest of the therapy sessions, the couple embarked on a journey of self-discovery and acceptance of each other.
They were guided on some therapeutic techniques to help them to enhance their trust, communication, sexual relationship, intimacy and pleasure. They were also taught how to stay present and attuned to each other during intimate moments through mindfulness exercises.
In their final scheduled therapy session, Mr ML, with great excitement, said “I’m ready!”, while Mrs ML’s eyes sparkled with tears of happiness!
Don't think it can't change
"The truth remains that love and sex are two different languages. They can exist harmoniously in the same space but can never be a substitute for each other." - Dr Jean-Machelle Benn-Dubois
Remember, open communication, addressing underlying concerns and exploring different ways to connect can reignite the spark in your relationship. Don't hesitate to seek professional help if you find yourselves navigating the complexities of a mismatched libido.
Krish Phua holds a Master in Social Science (Professional Counselling) and counsels in both English and Chinese, with a particular specialism in those from international communities. He offers free 15-minute consultations at his
Mind Insights practice and provides psychological counselling services both in-person and online.